‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?’

By Z.

How annoying is this question!

What does it entail? The weirdness of this question is comparable to a ‘why does your nose look like that?’. Meaning, the obviousness of your situation, of not being with someone, does not need an explanation. It is like that because it can be like that.

If I don't have a someone, it doesn't make me in any way incomplete. Of course, there are benefits for being in a relationship (any kind of relationship) that range from emotional to financial but relationships can also come at costs that range from emotional to financial. It is how it is.

So next time you get that question, why not ask back your interlocutor: ‘Why do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?’

Would they answer something like: Because it is normal to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Because I like to be with someone? Because I hate to be single?

Here, you can kindly explain that these answers are obviously subjective and cannot be generalized, if they, hopefully, don’t get it by themselves already.

Another thing to keep in mind, is that expectations on a ‘need’ to be with someone are social constructs forged by a mixture of traditions, rituals, and religions. From the dawn of humanity, people have been with people not always out of love obviously. It became ‘normal’ to be with someone because of the large number of reasons to be with someone: reproduction, power, trade, and last but not least love.

Today, those reasons still exist but human progress in fields of medicine, politics, rights, and governance have made these reasons less stringent.

Being single is a status that deserves respect. Being single is not a pity or a failure as some people say or as some ‘norms’ suggest.

If one is single and doesn't want to be that way, you are not really helping them by increasing their frustration when asking ‘why’.

If one is single and satisfied, you would just look stupid and close-minded if you try to take away their satisfaction by insisting on the ‘why’. It is also mean!

Another thing to keep in mind, is that there are times when you can be single inside a relationship. Indeed, you can be with someone but, for a period of time, feel that your person is detached from the central action in your life. This can mean that maybe our ‘natural’ status is to be single units. We may share lives and loves but how can we share our minds and being! There are some parts of our minds that may remain forever ‘single’.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)

‘Let’s stay friends.’

by Z.

Have you ever expressed some kind of care for someone and then was told, by that someone, that they want to be friends?

A reason for such request could be that things between you two are not going so well. Alternatively, you were maybe not on the same page (as in, you were expecting too much from whatever kind of 'relationship' you two were having) and your someone wanted to get things straight and annihilate your expectations.

What if you actually was not expecting them to ask you to be friends? You were maybe expecting them to fight a little before announcing ‘defeat’. Is it asking too much? Well, it might be asking too much from them. Fair enough.

It is clear that respecting the will of others is important but so is respecting your own feelings.

When your someone asked you to stay friends and it felt like a burn you should not feel guilty or ashamed of your reaction.  What is the point of feeling ashamed of your own feelings? Why feel guilty for being yourself?

You desired more and you didn’t get it. It happens. You thought you two were more and you were mistaking. Fine.

A common reaction is to play it cool, in order to hide your feelings, or reply with the dreaded line: ‘Sure. Let’s stay friends.’ Saying such a thing must have felt even worse than hearing it.

I think that it is a right and an obligation to ourselves to express our feelings of disappointment when we hear an unwelcome ‘let’s stay friends’. It is not necessary to grow the problem bigger and tell that someone that you do not want to be friends because it will just make them feel that you are pushing them against their will. Here, remember it is not about imposing!

What you could do is express your right without interfering with their will and that can be expressed as: No, I do not want to stay friends.

To express it you don’t need words because your actions can show it.

Your someone would eventually understand and if they don’t, you can explain, after your actions.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)

‘Go, it’s better for you. I can’t be selfish.’

By Z.

Have you been with someone or started to feel that something was happening with someone but then destiny, life, work, made you go MILES away?

What if you did not want/choose to leave but that was your only option. What if you wanted to stay and be with that someone but everything is working against that.

What can you do? You have maybe thought of heroism: like leaving everything behind and staying with that someone. You know though that there are a number of things to consider:

• First, this is NOT common sense (whatever that means). Mainly, I am trying to say that you probably cannot afford it (you would lose your job for instance).
• Second, if you choose, to do it, the person would probably take you for granted and treat you that way, which probably would frustrate you and worsen your relationship.

So you decide to go.

Now, what I want to say is that you probably thought of trying to stay, doing something to make the impossible possible, and that someone has probably ruminated over some similar ideas too. The ‘tragedy’ however, is that it won’t happen. Mind you, it’s no big deal.

That someone has probably said things like, ‘well you should go because it’s best for you’.

It is nice of them. It also means that you are probably not meant for each other.

So would you expect them to fight for you? Do you need to fight for them? Yes and if this does not happen MOVE ON.

Here I want to make things clear. Passion is not necessary to me.

There is an accepted wisdom that says that whatever comes out of passion will make things beautiful and successful: if you are passionate about your work or your relationship it guarantees success. My response is: bullshit (I like this word).

We should not be governed by a passion dictatorship! It is not a magic formula.

When people who are passionate do not ‘succeed’ they are told they were not passionate enough!

For me, what makes things happen is not passion but simple work. It is not because you are passionate that your work is better but rather it is because you work on it over and over again that it becomes better. It’s a very simple and old rule and I am not saying anything new.

If that relationship with someone was worth it, it would have continued not out of passion (necessarily) but most probably out of work.

When you hear that ‘go, it’s better for you’ to me this sounds like I am afraid/lazy to work it out.

Oh and the ‘I can’t be selfish’ just makes them maybe feel better. Ignore it or take it with a pinch of salt.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)