'With a right partner, you should never feel insecure.'

By Z.

This is an important post for me because it might be the last, or at least the last one for a while.

I will stop bothering you with my thoughts because I need to be writing other things and focusing on that for now. Also, I feel like I need to move on to something else and see how it goes. Probably, getting more experience with life and love to bring you something new, something different.

This time, the quote that I am using, 'with a right partner, you should never feel insecure,' is not something someone told me or something I heard as was the case in my other posts.

This quote that I am using is my own.

Thinking about love, what it is, and how it should be is obviously a frustrating exercise. As I tried to convey in my previous posts, I do want to fight the imperative that we have to have someone to be complete beings. I do think that this imperative is an illusion that we have created in our societies and that we have the power to unravel.The power that I am talking about is the power of the will.

Is abolishing this imperative the optimum solution? Well, I don't think that there is an optimum solution to what human relationships should look like because I believe that there shouldn't be any boundaries to setting what is 'right', or at least less boundaries. For instance, I feel that in our current societies we created an 'optimum' solution in which you are supposed to be happier if you find your someone. This is what I think and you can imagine that I get a lot of resistance to my ideas which obviously causes me frustration.

Even if I am 'fighting' the relationship imperative, I am still writing and thinking about it. To me this means, that I need to understand more relationships and my few posts here did help me in doing so.

Moreover, you can see that there are quite long lapses of time between each post which means that I got to gather a bit more 'experience' from what love is and from just living a daily life.

Sometimes this past month, I came to a powerful conclusion. Well, it might not sound so powerful to you (especially, as you already guessed it from the title), but it appeared powerful to me and maybe, I hope, to someone out there.

My powerful conclusion is that with a right person, a person of love and caring, you should not feel insecure. Full stop.

Here I would like to separate clearly insecurity and jealousy and define what I mean with each. With jealousy, I mean temporary insecurity and superficial insecurity or discomfort because deep down you still know that your partner will be there for you no matter what. With insecurity, I mean when you have doubts that your partner will be there for you or 'choose' you and what's best for you unconditionally.

I do think that, in a relationship, jealousy is quite normal and even quite common to what makes human nature. You can see forms of very early jealousy with young kids when they have a new sibling.

Therefore, even with a right partner, you would probably feel jealous from time to time and it shouldn't be a big problem because you know that your worth to them is still unchanged. 

When you feel insecure with someone, it could mean that you are not sure about how much they value you. Not valuing enough people is not only a relationship problem because it is a world problem that caused a lot of harm to humanity. For instance, in the past and in the present, people have thought that some other people are not worthy enough and should be slaves. Not valuing people enough is an assault on dignity, Human dignity (with a capital h).

Hopefully, think about this next time you feel insecure next to someone, think about what right they have to treat you like that, and think about what you ought to yourself.

Of course, you cannot change all what people think about you but, hopefully, you can have some control over picking your partner. In that case, the one quality to look for that trumps anything and everything should be feeling worthwhile and secure with that person. I think that you can trust your internal radar, or gut feeling, to tell you when you are not valued. That radar is maybe our dignity...

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)

'You must have really high standards.'

By Z.

When single, were you asked whether your standards are too high?

Let's try to analyze this question. The purpose of this question might be to make you feel guilty about your state of celibacy, again implying that it is wrong not to be with someone. Of course, it usually comes with a malicious smile that says 'I am joking but deeply, I mean it'. This might suggest that in order to be saved from your 'sad' state of celibacy, you need to be 'approachable' and lower your standards.

I want to suggest three perspectives to consider when implying that someone's standards on other people need to be lowered.

First, it can be the case that some people's standards are too 'high'. Meaning, they expect a flawless person which corresponds exactly to what they want, which, by the way, can be extremely selfish (as they probably overlook what the counterpart expects from them too) and unlikely. Another danger in setting the standards too high is focusing on finding 'problems' with people instead of using that time to develop one's self, or just minding one's own business. Nevertheless, we should not forget that some people manage to both elevate the 'standards' on themselves and expect the 'return'. This might help 'legitimize' their high standards...

Though, they can change, and their perfect match can change too.

Second, it is possible that the standards are actually not too 'high'. In fact, the standards are neither too high nor too low because the person just cares less about standards. The attempt, therefore, to make them feel guilty is not only a waste of time but also a proof that the assumption that people need to be with someone is wrong.

Third, it is possible that the standards are actually pretty 'low'. This person was perhaps told several times that they need to be with someone and need to be proactive about it. By repeating this piece of unwelcome advice, the person dropped all minimal expectations, such as honesty, and is ready to be with with 'any' body. This could obviously be dangerous, but the most dangerous is telling them once again that 'you must have really high standards' suggesting they should lessen them even more. 

If you get this question, you might consider these three perspectives. You might want to 'lower' the standards, 'raise' the standards, or just keep them as they are. You might also continue ignoring happily so called 'standards' and suggestions that you need to be with someone, because you can be just with yourself.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)

‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?’

By Z.

How annoying is this question!

What does it entail? The weirdness of this question is comparable to a ‘why does your nose look like that?’. Meaning, the obviousness of your situation, of not being with someone, does not need an explanation. It is like that because it can be like that.

If I don't have a someone, it doesn't make me in any way incomplete. Of course, there are benefits for being in a relationship (any kind of relationship) that range from emotional to financial but relationships can also come at costs that range from emotional to financial. It is how it is.

So next time you get that question, why not ask back your interlocutor: ‘Why do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?’

Would they answer something like: Because it is normal to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Because I like to be with someone? Because I hate to be single?

Here, you can kindly explain that these answers are obviously subjective and cannot be generalized, if they, hopefully, don’t get it by themselves already.

Another thing to keep in mind, is that expectations on a ‘need’ to be with someone are social constructs forged by a mixture of traditions, rituals, and religions. From the dawn of humanity, people have been with people not always out of love obviously. It became ‘normal’ to be with someone because of the large number of reasons to be with someone: reproduction, power, trade, and last but not least love.

Today, those reasons still exist but human progress in fields of medicine, politics, rights, and governance have made these reasons less stringent.

Being single is a status that deserves respect. Being single is not a pity or a failure as some people say or as some ‘norms’ suggest.

If one is single and doesn't want to be that way, you are not really helping them by increasing their frustration when asking ‘why’.

If one is single and satisfied, you would just look stupid and close-minded if you try to take away their satisfaction by insisting on the ‘why’. It is also mean!

Another thing to keep in mind, is that there are times when you can be single inside a relationship. Indeed, you can be with someone but, for a period of time, feel that your person is detached from the central action in your life. This can mean that maybe our ‘natural’ status is to be single units. We may share lives and loves but how can we share our minds and being! There are some parts of our minds that may remain forever ‘single’.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)

‘Let’s stay friends.’

by Z.

Have you ever expressed some kind of care for someone and then was told, by that someone, that they want to be friends?

A reason for such request could be that things between you two are not going so well. Alternatively, you were maybe not on the same page (as in, you were expecting too much from whatever kind of 'relationship' you two were having) and your someone wanted to get things straight and annihilate your expectations.

What if you actually was not expecting them to ask you to be friends? You were maybe expecting them to fight a little before announcing ‘defeat’. Is it asking too much? Well, it might be asking too much from them. Fair enough.

It is clear that respecting the will of others is important but so is respecting your own feelings.

When your someone asked you to stay friends and it felt like a burn you should not feel guilty or ashamed of your reaction.  What is the point of feeling ashamed of your own feelings? Why feel guilty for being yourself?

You desired more and you didn’t get it. It happens. You thought you two were more and you were mistaking. Fine.

A common reaction is to play it cool, in order to hide your feelings, or reply with the dreaded line: ‘Sure. Let’s stay friends.’ Saying such a thing must have felt even worse than hearing it.

I think that it is a right and an obligation to ourselves to express our feelings of disappointment when we hear an unwelcome ‘let’s stay friends’. It is not necessary to grow the problem bigger and tell that someone that you do not want to be friends because it will just make them feel that you are pushing them against their will. Here, remember it is not about imposing!

What you could do is express your right without interfering with their will and that can be expressed as: No, I do not want to stay friends.

To express it you don’t need words because your actions can show it.

Your someone would eventually understand and if they don’t, you can explain, after your actions.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)

‘Go, it’s better for you. I can’t be selfish.’

By Z.

Have you been with someone or started to feel that something was happening with someone but then destiny, life, work, made you go MILES away?

What if you did not want/choose to leave but that was your only option. What if you wanted to stay and be with that someone but everything is working against that.

What can you do? You have maybe thought of heroism: like leaving everything behind and staying with that someone. You know though that there are a number of things to consider:

• First, this is NOT common sense (whatever that means). Mainly, I am trying to say that you probably cannot afford it (you would lose your job for instance).
• Second, if you choose, to do it, the person would probably take you for granted and treat you that way, which probably would frustrate you and worsen your relationship.

So you decide to go.

Now, what I want to say is that you probably thought of trying to stay, doing something to make the impossible possible, and that someone has probably ruminated over some similar ideas too. The ‘tragedy’ however, is that it won’t happen. Mind you, it’s no big deal.

That someone has probably said things like, ‘well you should go because it’s best for you’.

It is nice of them. It also means that you are probably not meant for each other.

So would you expect them to fight for you? Do you need to fight for them? Yes and if this does not happen MOVE ON.

Here I want to make things clear. Passion is not necessary to me.

There is an accepted wisdom that says that whatever comes out of passion will make things beautiful and successful: if you are passionate about your work or your relationship it guarantees success. My response is: bullshit (I like this word).

We should not be governed by a passion dictatorship! It is not a magic formula.

When people who are passionate do not ‘succeed’ they are told they were not passionate enough!

For me, what makes things happen is not passion but simple work. It is not because you are passionate that your work is better but rather it is because you work on it over and over again that it becomes better. It’s a very simple and old rule and I am not saying anything new.

If that relationship with someone was worth it, it would have continued not out of passion (necessarily) but most probably out of work.

When you hear that ‘go, it’s better for you’ to me this sounds like I am afraid/lazy to work it out.

Oh and the ‘I can’t be selfish’ just makes them maybe feel better. Ignore it or take it with a pinch of salt.

ANNNNND… don’t forget to do what YOU want to do. :)